death

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, … 365. 365 days i.e., 1 full year without him. Its 5th February today, the fateful date when Kishu left us forever exactly an year back. Whole day today I’ve been trying to maintain my composure at work & divert my mind from thoughts of last year but as the day is drawing to an end, I can’t help myself from remembering that one phone call which came on 5th evening and changed our lives forever. I don’t think I can manage words to express my pain & angst against this day, the shock of last year and the agony since then… And what surprises me is the fact that we all are living without him, for last 27 years not even a single day used to go without talking to him and now its 365 days that I have not heard his voice but still I’m alive…life is going on…happily or unhappily, willingly or unwillingly… something which was unimaginable till last 5th, now is an accepted truth. An acceptance which has been enforced on us very brutally, how brutal it is can only be explained by the lonely eyes of my mom, the insecured eyes of Kaushik or the forever frightened and depressed heart of mine! As I write this post I feel strange, more than sadness, it’s perhaps anger against the unjust…

How selfish we human beings are, we learn to live without a person, without whom not even a single moment was imaginable. Yes, I do feel guilty whenever I have laughed in last one year, I do feel strange whenever I realize that our life is going on without Kishu but then I wonder did I have any other alternative than surviving through this? Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and now one year of his absence from our lives, the absence which can never be filled by anything or anyone ever again…with each moment we miss him more & more & more…for we know that now we will never be able to see him again…