1, 2, 3, 4, 5, … 365. 365 days i.e., 1 full year without him. Its 5th February today, the fateful date when Kishu left us forever exactly an year back. Whole day today I’ve been trying to maintain my composure at work & divert my mind from thoughts of last year but as the day is drawing to an end, I can’t help myself from remembering that one phone call which came on 5th evening and changed our lives forever. I don’t think I can manage words to express my pain & angst against this day, the shock of last year and the agony since then… And what surprises me is the fact that we all are living without him, for last 27 years not even a single day used to go without talking to him and now its 365 days that I have not heard his voice but still I’m alive…life is going on…happily or unhappily, willingly or unwillingly… something which was unimaginable till last 5th, now is an accepted truth. An acceptance which has been enforced on us very brutally, how brutal it is can only be explained by the lonely eyes of my mom, the insecured eyes of Kaushik or the forever frightened and depressed heart of mine! As I write this post I feel strange, more than sadness, it’s perhaps anger against the unjust…
How selfish we human beings are, we learn to live without a person, without whom not even a single moment was imaginable. Yes, I do feel guilty whenever I have laughed in last one year, I do feel strange whenever I realize that our life is going on without Kishu but then I wonder did I have any other alternative than surviving through this? Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and now one year of his absence from our lives, the absence which can never be filled by anything or anyone ever again…with each moment we miss him more & more & more…for we know that now we will never be able to see him again…
Naveen
an amazing piece filled with emotions wth a touch of honesty n acceptance of the facts…..
Keep writing..!!
Renu
Kanu..dont think that you are selfish..Kishu also would like you to live and laugh.
Psych Babbler
A whole year. I remember reading your post last year and could so feel your pain. I still can. It's not selfish to laugh even though I understand the guilt when you do…and as cliched as this is going to sound — I'm sure your brother would have wanted all of you to be as happy as you can and live life to the fullest. Take care
I'm Nu
it's tough but human beings are not selfish..my take is human beings are practical enough to move on..Not because they forget the one who has gone but because they know they have to live for the ones who are still there with them !
Take care K!
Chandrika Shubham
Very touching post!