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Holding or breaking down?

March 17, 2009

Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you. If they speak, you break down. ~Bede Jarrett

Read this quote on a website yesterday morning & thought of posting it on my blog but for some reason didn’t do it. When I read it today yet again I couldn’t resist myself from sharing it here. I find this quote to be so relatable & so very true. I am trying to overcome the pain but somehow find it to be too deep to overcome. Rational mind says that I need to hold my tears back but there is this emotional force deep within which always overcomes my rational mind these days. Colleagues & friends around me say that there is no point in being silent and I need to speak it out…& that silence is the refuge which cowards or depressed people take, the courageous ones speak & fight it out! But then they don’t know that speaking has its own disadvantages too. I think if I am silent, I can still manage to hold back my sorrow but if I speak esp. to my closed ones I can’t help myself from breaking down. I understand that I can’t keep on crying in office & I try to keep myself composed as much as possible but despite me trying to avoid this colleague of mine with whom I am close, when I met her last week I couldn’t hold back my tears at all. Yesterday some close friends visited my place & again despite N convincing me & me being mentally prepared to not cry in front of them, I couldn’t stop myself from breaking down…when they sat near me or touched my hand I just couldn’t. I don’t know if it’s my own weakness / cowardice or the proximity which I share with them which made me do so but then there are certain behavior to which no logic or rationale can be applied. It is true – “you can hold your sorrow if nobody speaks to you but if they speak you can’t”.

Cynicism

March 11, 2009
I was dreading this day since last one week…it’s Holi today and as expected our day started with both me and mom getting up in tears. No, I don’t have the courage to console my mom today when I am myself feeling so dreadful. First thing which this holi reminded me of was all the planning which we did just a day prior to that fateful day when Kishu left us. For last few years, I have not spent holi at my place, I was either at my job location or with my in-laws. This year since I had just made a trip to my in-laws place in Jan, so we decided to gather up in Mumbai for holi at my brother’s place. Some long planning sessions were done between me and my mom about how we all can meet up this time and have holi together. But well, we never knew what was in store for us next day! Forget about knowing, we never even could have imagined it then that something like this was waiting for us…and they say to believe on saying “whatever happens, happens for good”. REALLY???
It’s all festive and colorful around me, people in office are playing Holi and I am HATING it. For the first time, I think I am not liking anything colorful and bright around me, today for the first time I do not repent office being open on a festival, I thought at least I will have some respite from all the festivity around me, for the first time I am really not liking everybody smiling , enjoying & dancing around me. People insisted so much to at least join for the lunch outing today and maybe I could have done that, but here I am sitting on my desk alone typing this post as I really-really didn’t have the heart to go out on lunch… I can’t and I don’t feel like! My rational mind says if I am not celebrating holi, this does not mean everybody will not play holi. They have all the rights to enjoy their life and I should at least smile on their requests if I can’t join that celebration. But don’t know why, I am finding this smile also very difficult to come today. Isn’t it wrong to behave like this? Am I being too cynical? I don’t know…

It pains, really pains!

March 9, 2009

N insists that I should try to get back to normal life slowly…I have resumed back work but he wants me to divert my mind to those things which I used to enjoy earlier like painting, blogging, cooking etc. Even my closest friend insists me to do so & I know both of them are saying it for my benefit only. It’s for their sake that I started to write this post today…but don’t know what to write. I think I opened a blank page in the morning but all I could feel is blank and numb. Trust me N & T, I don’t know how to get back to life again…I am trying, I really am but it is difficult…difficult & difficult. I know its 31 days today, almost a month since Kishu left us but tell me, is it possible to overcome a life-long association in just 31 days? It pains, really pains deep inside, something which I can’t express in words…I can’t divert my mind to anything but to think as to how am I supposed to live my whole life without my brother without whom I couldn’t have even imagined one day of my life? Why did God decide to take such a young soul away and how am I supposed to react after seeing my stone-eyed mom who had to bear the worst pain of her life without any fault? When I could not get over the death of my friend since last 8 months, how am I supposed to deal with a loss as big as Kishu? It is excruciating & unbearable…& cruel & … words fail!

Marammat mukaddar ki kar de maula!

January 29, 2009

26! Yes 26! This is the count of how many times I have listened to this song since morning today and that too in continuation, i.e., no other songs in between :D. No, this does not mean I was having an off [oh how I wish 🙁 ] or I didn’t have any work today. Yes, but this definitely means that I didn’t have much meetings or presentations today and most of the time I actually spent on my desk. For a change it was really good to have a day like this and after a long time I did have the luxury to plug in my music player in my ears today. Wow I enjoyed listening to this song again & again. I am referring to the song “maula mere maula” from Delhi 6! I think it’s simply outstanding and brilliant! Not only the music but even lyrics is sooo good. One of the lines of this song reads something like:

“Daraare daraare hain maathe pe maula,
Marammat mukaddar ki kar de o maula”

Isn’t it a lovely line and can I say relatable too :-)? In one word if I have to say, I will say this song is ADDICTIVE. After quite some time I have got this crazy for any song, few months back I was having these symptoms for “Baawra Man” from hazaaro kwahishen aisi. In fact yesterday while driving to office, the only song which played in our car was maula mere maula, and I played it for so many times that finally N had asked me, “can we please change the track now”? I also like “Masakkali, Matakkali” a lot but as of now its “Maula” song which is on my head. A.R. Rahman as usual has done a magical work & he creates his magic yet again with this movie! And the singers Kailash Kher, Javed Ali (Maula song) & Mohit Chauhan (Masakkali song) have definitely sung these songs brilliantly. Now I’m waiting for this movie to release, till then it will be “Maula mere maula” & “Masakkali, Matakkali” in my car as well ipod continuously 🙂

Thanks Nautankey!

January 19, 2009

Got this from Nautankey almost three weeks back but since I was travelling that time, hence did not get the chance to put it up here and then got tied up in work rut. Decided to put it now as today seems to be a horrible day for me, so thought an award even if its a virtual one may cheer up my day :-).

Nautankey – thanks, thanks & more thanks for giving this to me…such sweet stuffs really bring a smile on my face and it keeps me motivated to somehow find time to do more and more blogging despite my horribly packed work schedule these days.

Now the rules:

  • Display the Award in your page – done with a big smile 🙂
  • Award them to your favorite commentators
  • Ask them to forward it to their favorite commentators
  • And don’t forget to link their page to their names

Now I need to give it to my favorite commentators… Waise toh I love all my commentators who take time to visit my blog and express their thought on my posts (big THANKS to all of you :-)) but this award I would like to give it to all my old blogger friends who started comment on my blog loooong back on my O3 blog, who always commented with a genuine heart and intention of encouargement & healthy interaction on my blog. Initially when I started writing in 2003, I never expected comments and interaction from so many people but there are these people who were always there to read my posts and whose comments really encouraged me to write more and more and before I could have realized they made blogging an addiction for me instead of just another hobby 🙂
So, here goes my list:

  • My first few names is a list of those people who are not bloggers but still do take time to always read my posts and give their critical inputs (mostly negatives 🙁 but those negatives always help me to improve further :-)). I am not mentioning their names as they don’t have any blog to be linked to, but I’m sure they know who am I referring to 🙂
  • Tanvi: My childhood and best friend. Though she is not a regular blogger but she is the most regular reader and commentator of my blog since my 1st post which is as old as 2003.
  • Meher: She is one of the most regular and sweetest commentator from my O3 days and yeah she is always there to read my blogs and comment on it :D. I wanted to link her O3 blog but she does not use it anymore hence linking it to blogspot one.
  • Savy: For all her intellectual inputs and thoughts expressed on my blog and yeah she was one of the initial few who always used to tell me to write more and more.
  • Niceguy251: For all his sweet interactions on my blog.

Clap, clap clap for all of you and cheers to all my the readers of my blog 😀 !

How come holidays end so soon?

January 12, 2009
Am back, was off on a family vacation to Varanasi, Lucknow & Delhi for eight days. Oh was it really for 8 days??? If yes, how come it ended so soon 🙁 ? Perhaps I was so busy enjoying it that never realized when time slipped away. It was fun to be away from work with minimal access to laptop and phones all these days and to add to that deadly cold weather of north! I can say literally that it was really a “chilled out” vacation 🙂. After all these years in Mumbai and Bangalore, facing winters of Delhi and Varanasi with 3 – 4 degree temperature was some experience I must say. Both me and N are from that part of the country itself but still…I think Bangalore weather really spoils you to adjust anywhere else. We both got down with cough and cold but despite ill health and in that chilling weather also one thing which we really enjoyed throughout our trip was food – from Jalebis and Lassi of Varanasi to Kababs and Panipuris of Lucknow to Samosas and Chats of Delhi, Yummm! This was totally a foodie vacation, both of us before leaving were having these great plans of enjoying street side food and kababs of Lucknow and for once we stuck to our plan LOL! Now it’s a different thing that after coming back, I have hidden my weighing scale below the bed, I really don’t have the courage to face the scale now 😀
Overall it was a very good trip and I have lot more to share about my trip which I will do in my subsequent posts. As of now, it’s time to get back to work. Monday after 8 days of leave is really terrible, isn’t it? It’s 8:10 pm already and still no hope of leaving for home anytime soon…Had a long day at work which I guess is going to continue to be a long night too 🙁

New Year Wishes!

December 31, 2008
This is my last post for 2008! 2008 was an year of 🙂 🙁 🙂 🙁 for me, with some of my biggest achievements and some of my biggest losses experienced this year. And out of all the things lost, I really miss one of my closest friends whom I lost in an accident in May’08. Don’t know why but can’t stop myself from remembering him continuously since last 3-4 days esp. when I am thinking of how 2008 was for me! Hope 2009 is all 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 for me.
Wish all my friends and blog readers a very happy and prosperous new year!
Here’s to the outgoing year, 2008:
May the good times live on in our memories,
and may we learn lessons from the troubling times
that will make us stronger and better than ever.

Here’s to 2009:

For each and every one of you,
may it be filled with significant steps
toward the fulfillment of your fondest wishes.
– By Joanna Fuchs

The importance of being Earnest!

December 26, 2008
When we got this insert in landmark about a play of Oscar Wilde in Bangalore, we got damn excited as both me and N enjoy watching plays and we used to watch lots of them when we were in Mumbai but somehow we never got much chance to watch good plays in Bangalore. Either we were not aware of exact schedules of plays or even when we came to know about some, we were not quite sure of the booking procedures and all. This time however the insert explained it all and most importantly it was a very famous comedy of Wilde titled “The importance of being Earnest” and tickets were easily available online. There was only one small hitch, we were not aware of this place known as Chowdiah Memorial Hall in Malleshwaram where this play was being performed. Well, that’s a very famous place in Bangalore but neither me nor N is very familiar with that part of the town. But after some basic google map surfing and with some help from one of our friends, we finally reached the place. Though the area was quite ok but reaching that hall was not an easy task as one needs to cross through many small curvy lanes, in fact at one point of time we were wondering what kind of place is this which is in so interior! But I’m happy that we were wrong, it’s actually a very beautiful hall with a violin shape exterior.

This play was being organized by Evam group and yesterday being Christmas, they had made the overall venue also look quite festive. Some interesting stalls and one small game corner! And after roaming out here and there for a while finally we settled for the show at 7:30…the banner of the show read, “A serious comedy for serious people” 🙂 and oh how much right that sentence was! The play was really hilarious. Set in an old Brit setting, this play is about a gentleman named Jack and the whole fiasco about his name being / not being Earnest! Oh what a wonderful performance by all the actors and what a script! We kept on laughing throughout those 2 hours. We enjoyed it totally and we would recommend this play to everybody who are interested in theater and some light moments. I must say I was quite impressed with Evam team, though I do have very small suggestion for them, after ending the play it would have been good if they would have introduced us to the cast on stage. The whole cast did appear in the end but viewers like us who were watching Evam performance for the first time were not knowing the name of individual actors. But overall it was a time very well spent and reminded us of our courtship days when we used to go to Prithvi in Juhu :-). Now I’ll be surely looking forward to their next performance in Bangalore.

Fresh Look!

December 22, 2008

Well, changing my blog look was on my agenda since long but after losing my personal template code last week, now I a neither have the time nor the enthu to write another template code for myself. It’s hell lot of work and needs some dedicated time which I don’t have as of now! Even weekends are damn busy these days and hence I decided to go ahead with this standard extra column template. Though I have done bit of customizations in terms of images and columns but most of it is from the standard layout. I personally like 2 sidebar designs just like my wordpress blog and so went ahead with changing the old blogger template to this. It needs some more work but will do those customizations as and when I will get time, till then at least there is a fresh look on my blog 🙂

Remembering Murphy’s Law

December 18, 2008
Ah as if all the recent incidents were not enough that this had to happen! Can anything be worse than office laptop getting crashed as soon as you are back from an official tour and you are supposed to finish off whole lot of pending stuffs??? Yes, suddenly my laptop decided to take a rest and very conveniently it displayed the message “ hard disk error, attribute code : 05” and after this you do anything its just not re-booting. Well, looks like luck is favoring me toooooooo much for past few weeks :-(.
I rushed to my admin guy and he again very conveniently replied, “don’t worry since it’s a new one it’s still under warranty and they will replace the hard disc”. “REPLACE! But about my data?” Another frustrating reply, “we will try to retrieve D drive but C is gone”!!!!!
Now I really don’t know how to react? This was a new laptop with high-end configuration given to me only few weeks back and since I had recently migrated all my stuffs to this new laptop so I have not even kept any back-up of the files anywhere. Considering the brand and configuration I never expected this to happen so soon! How will I manage my work without any file??????? Apart from all my office data of past 2 years, my favorite songs and some snaps recently downloaded from my camera, it also had some of my very important personal stuffs like snaps of my paintings which are hard to get back as I have given away most of my paintings to my friends and acquaintances :-(….So, all of those are gone! This realization is too upsetting and disturbing. I am feeling damn irritated and hopelessly thinking of Mr. Murphy who one fine day said, “when things have to go wrong, they will”. Were they actually having me in mind while devising laws like – “Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong” or “Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way”!!!
Update: Well got the news from admin guy who was working on recovering files…I lost all my C drive, parts of D drive and but obviously all my desktop files and I had this bad habit of storing all my recent files which I need for immediate reference on my desktop :-(. And no it was not some virus attack, it was manufacturer’s defect because of which it happened. And losing desktop files also mean losing the new template code which I had managed to write with my novice html skills…I got this great idea of not using some ready template and having a totally customized template for my blog as my current template does give some problem in mozilla and so I had taken the pain of coding down a new template on my own! And I am not a techie, so you can imagine the pain and effort which I would have taken to write a code on my own! I was waiting for one free weekend when I could manage time to implement that code and here we go…that code is gone! Now I can think of why the hell I didn’t store that template code file in my D drive but no right now I can only think of MURPHY’s LAW!!! Somehow this law seems to close to my heart now 🙁