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Kishu

Happy Holi!

March 19, 2011
HOLI is here! Good thing this time is that my both sides of family are in Bangalore. So, Holi is going to be fun this year…. I don’t remember when was the last time we had a holi happily together. I’m looking forward to the festivity with family & friends. Not to forget the privilege of enjoying cross cultural Holi special delicacies being cooked by my Mom & MIL :). Bad part is that Holi is on a Sunday & we missed one holiday, else we would have got one more holiday for “holi”day. And sad part is that with any festival around, we miss Kishu and Amitesh Bhaiya more and more and more … any enjoyment or celebration can never be complete without them. Never, Ever! But we will celebrate the festival this time – from inlaws side, this will be first holi for my sister-in-law at our place after her marriage and from my side this will be my first holi with my mom after my marriage :). So, HAPPY HOLI to my family, friends, blog readers & my well-wishers.

Wish you a very colorful & vibrant holi. May god gift you all the colors in life – colors of joy, colors of happiness, colors of friendship, colors of love, colors of success and all other colors which you want to paint your life with.
Play safe & have fun!

Yet another 5th Feb!

February 5, 2011
Yet another 5th Feb, yet another reminder of 5th Feb 2009. 2 years…730 days without Kishu! Life goes on but can never be same, yes it does move on but with a brutal pain. Today also when I look at his photo it feels like he will speak any moment and laugh his loud laugh again…but alas certain wishes just remain wishes forever and certain realities are too illusive to accept. Earlier it was painful to remember him but now I do it purposefully as memories of Kishu are the only things left with us and I just don’t want to fade it ever. Wherever he is, I just hope he is fine and happy in a new life… can’t even say we miss him as till now we have not forgotten him even for a moment to miss him…

Life: They Say…Then Why!

January 16, 2011
Well, this post is bit cynical. I know it exudes negativity but still can’t help it…I think I’m going through one such phase of life where God has decided to challenge my own convictions and shake my strongest beliefs. When I thought the worst which could happen to us was Kishu’s death, God decided to prove me wrong. Well, there are things which can be worse than his death and can very much happen in my life anyday, anytime! When I thought things are at its toughest and soon I will get to see the brighter side, God decided to put me to trials tougher than toughest, to situations which I never even imagined I could bear…and it’s not that I’m not trying to face the problems or not fighting against it, have always done so ever since my childhood and still doing it but then I think almost everybody reaches a point where you just want to know two things – “what else” & “till when”! I also know there are many who might have been facing worse than me and there are many who can still manage to maintain their calm but for me I’m at a stage where no positive word or theoretical gyaan can actually soothe me anymore. If anything, these so called inspirational words just make me feel worse…wrote the following words few days back in one of my scornful moods after being bugged up by three consecutive calls from relatives who just do not know anything apart from imparting hypothetical gyaan on how only I’m responsible for the direction in which my life will move ahead! Revisited it again today after yet another similar call. Well giving gyaan is one thing and going through these tribulations is just another…only those who experience the situation know how difficult at times it gets to maintain your calm and sanity in front of others despite the storm and calamity which you have been going through internally…

Life: They Say…Then Why!

They say,
That every dark cloud has a silver lining,
Then why this one is eternally darkening?

That there is a light at the end of every tunnel,
But what if the journey within is just too agonal!

That the toughest and strongest often lead the league,
But can’t the strongest have their moments of fatigue?

That in all things it is better to hope than to despair,
What if the hope is smashed and shattered beyond repair?

That think positive and everything will be fine,
Tried it; many a times but life is just on a continual decline!
– Kanupriya

This does not mean that I have lost my faith completely, neither do I believe that things will never be fine for me…It’s just that I think it’s better to lie low and let the tide flow when tide is totally against you and refusing to get slow. Trying to swim when the tide is against is just making me more and more exhausted.

This year’s Diwali

November 8, 2010
This Diwali was indeed special for me; I got to celebrate it with my Mom after 16 years! Yup, after sixteen years to be precise. Earlier it was education & hostel life, then job & then marriage… Mom used to so rightly say it earlier – ek baar beti ghar se nikal gayi toh phir nikal hi gayi, shayad wapas nahi hi aa paogi tum (though this is true for sons also these days as most of them have to stay away from their parents because of job & career demands). She was so right, I stepped out of my home when I was a child only, had to go for residential school & hostel life because of lack of good schools in my area, add to that the nature of job of my parents. Since then never got the chance to go back and stay there. Staying at home meant going there for few days during vacations. Then job and married life further reduced my home trip duration from “few days” to “very few days”. Now staying there has just become a distant memory. With Kishu & Amitesh Bhaiya gone, in fact now I feel scared to go back to my own home only. The memories of both of them attached with that place haunt me more when I see those rooms, garden, study racks, aangan and everything else where we had spent our childhood together. Suddenly their absences from our lives seem more real & more painful. Last two festive seasons consecutively were spent in mourning, 2008 Amitesh Bhaiya left us & 2009 it was Kishu. So, this year when we all (me, my husband, my mom & my youngest brother) got to spend this festive season together at Bangalore, it was really-really a different feeling for us. One it was some festival before which nothing bad had happened and second we all were together. Festivals will never be the same and celebrations will never be complete without Kishu & Bhaiya but at least I’m happy that we got to spend this day together and that too peacefully and nicely. Thank God for little mercies in life! After all that has happened continuously for last so many years with us, I at times get scared to feel happy over nice moments too.

Hope you all had a great Diwali too, best wishes to all my readers for the upcoming festivals of this year. Will be back with more posts very soon 🙂

Kishu’s B’day with Santosh Charity

September 25, 2010
19th Sept was b’day of Kishu and this year’s 19th Sept was the second one without him in our lives. Everybody says “life moves on” and yes even I agree now that life moves on but then it never moves on like earlier. There is no salve which can heal this pain, no moment or object of happiness which can overcome this grief and no rationalization of thoughts which can let you accept this reality. Yes, things are moving ahead but not even a single day passes without remembering 5th Feb 2009 and things associated along with it. I don’t think I can ever describe how it feels esp. on days like these…You keep on thinking whether to cry at the loss or mourn the fact that we will never be able to even listen to his voice even for a second, forget about being with him or celebrating his special day together the way we used to do it earlier. But then it’s his b’day and whether he is with us or not, at least we should be thankful for this day as because of this day only we got to spend 27 memorable lovely years together. Mom was as always inconsolable but when we insisted her to express instead of keeping the grief within herself, this is what she had to write about this day. Though honestly speaking both me and Mom know that it’s not possible to express the exact feelings associated with Kishu or his absence from our lives in words…it’s just NOT possible!

Like last year, this year also I decided to spend the day with kids at Santosh Charitable Trust and as earlier they really made the day special for me & Kishu. The way the sing b’day songs for him or the way they celebrate this day with me, I think if Kishu is around somewhere, hopefully he would like the way his day is being celebrated.


It is one place which has really got a special place in my heart, a place which redefines the meaning of orphans or special kids. It’s an orphanage run by few noble souls who are doing it selflessly just to provide a better life and education to those kids. Total strength of the orphanage now is close to 55 (including staffs) and the financials are mainly based on the voluntary donations collected from working professionals, organizations and some authorities. Unlike other similar places, this one is really different. First the way they are transparent with their expenses, collections etc. you know that your money is in safe hands; secondly you need to meet the kids to understand this self urge towards donating money for them. I mean the way they talk, the way they introduce themselves or the way they all describe their ambition in life – with gleam in their eyes, clear goals and zeal to achieve the same! Not even a slightest trace of that becharapan or self pity in anyone of them. When you see them working so hard to realize their dreams, you on your own feel the need to do something for them which can help them in some ways and in return give you this unparalleled satisfaction of doing your bit towards them. Even my association with them is just one and half years old but trust me at least for this place nobody pesters me to contribute anything, it’s my internal conscience which tells me to do so. And thankfully I’m surrounded with few likeminded friends who also have been contributing to this place on their own.

Do check out their website – http://www.santoshcharity.org/ for more details about them and if anyone of you is keen to help these kids in having a better future, you can contact me or contact the numbers mentioned on their website. They do provide all authentic receipts for your contribution and money is utilized primarily in the education and overall personality development of the kids. Don’t think about the amount, every penny is important for them. I don’t have any personal association with the trust and this post is no enforced marketing campaign on their behalf. I do it out of my own will as I know that every bit of contribution is important for them.

Life goes on???

February 5, 2010
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, … 365. 365 days i.e., 1 full year without him. Its 5th February today, the fateful date when Kishu left us forever exactly an year back. Whole day today I’ve been trying to maintain my composure at work & divert my mind from thoughts of last year but as the day is drawing to an end, I can’t help myself from remembering that one phone call which came on 5th evening and changed our lives forever. I don’t think I can manage words to express my pain & angst against this day, the shock of last year and the agony since then… And what surprises me is the fact that we all are living without him, for last 27 years not even a single day used to go without talking to him and now its 365 days that I have not heard his voice but still I’m alive…life is going on…happily or unhappily, willingly or unwillingly… something which was unimaginable till last 5th, now is an accepted truth. An acceptance which has been enforced on us very brutally, how brutal it is can only be explained by the lonely eyes of my mom, the insecured eyes of Kaushik or the forever frightened and depressed heart of mine! As I write this post I feel strange, more than sadness, it’s perhaps anger against the unjust…

How selfish we human beings are, we learn to live without a person, without whom not even a single moment was imaginable. Yes, I do feel guilty whenever I have laughed in last one year, I do feel strange whenever I realize that our life is going on without Kishu but then I wonder did I have any other alternative than surviving through this? Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and now one year of his absence from our lives, the absence which can never be filled by anything or anyone ever again…with each moment we miss him more & more & more…for we know that now we will never be able to see him again…

Wish you a very happy new year!

December 30, 2009
Hmmm…last day of the year and last post for my blog in 2009…I remember writing a post on 31st Dec for this blog in 2008 as well. 2008 was bad, really bad as it was the year when Amitesh Bhaiya had left us forever but then the optimistic in me thought that next year will be fine. I had wished, prayed and hoped that 2009 would be better for us never to know that 2009 would actually turn out to be the worst year of our life till now as 2009 is the fateful year when fate snatched Kishu from us very brutally and callously! They say – all that happens is for good…well not really. I don’t think there can be any good in losing Kishu and Amitesh Bhaiya from our lives forever. Life will never be same after Kishu & Bhaiya. The days are passing on but certain losses are irrevocable and some pains can never be healed. You just somehow willingly or unwillingly learn to live with it. Some incidents do make you succumb to your fate and do break your belief towards so many aspects of life…now I don’t even know whether I should hope for a better 2010. Yes, the strong optimistic in me has slowly-slowly died with time; the staunch faith has faded away. Now I only know one thing – jo hona hai woh ho ke rahega.

Had read this beautiful poem by Shri Bachchan which describes my some of the thoughts so aptly now, we keep on hoping for something better, something new but then again hota wahi hai jo hona hota hai aur din beet hi jate hai jaise-taise…

लो दिन बीता, लो रात गई

लो दिन बीता, लो रात गई,
सूरज ढलकर पच्छिम पहुँचा,
डूबा, संध्या आई, छाई,
सौ संध्या-सी वह संध्या थी,
क्यों उठते-उठते सोचा था,
दिन में होगी कुछ बात नई।
लो दिन बीता, लो रात गई ।

धीमे-धीमे तारे निकले,
धीरे-धीरे नभ में फैले,
सौ रजनी-सी वह रजनी थी,
क्यों संध्या को यह सोचा था,
निशि में होगी कुछ बात नई।
लो दिन बीता, लो रात गई।

चिड़ियाँ चहकीं, कलियाँ महकी,
पूरब से फिर सूरज निकला,
जैसे होती थी सुबह हुई,
क्यों सोते-सोते सोचा था,
होगी प्रातः कुछ बात नई।
लो दिन बीता, लो रात गई,
– हरिवंश राय बच्चन

With these thoughts, I would end my post by wishing all my readers a very happy & prosperous new year. Hope the next year brings more sunshine to your lives, have a great year ahead! And please do pray for me and my family to have a peaceful 2010…

A special day celebrated with special kids

September 22, 2009

19th Sep-2009 was Kishu’s 1st b’day without him; I don’t think I have words to express my feelings for this date. Though not a single day goes by without remembering him but then seeing 19th everyday on the calendar of this month has been nothing less than an awful reminder of his absence from our lives. With each day drawing closer to 19th, I was getting restless and I kept on wondering what to do so that we all esp. my mom can survive through this day. Somehow I always fail to find words which can console her, maybe that’s because somewhere within I’m aware that she can’t be consoled. The whole thought of his excitement for his own b’day and then his anticipation with which he would wait for my gift, brings smile as well as tears in my eyes. Really, life has its own cruel ways of dealing with us.

After thinking a lot, I decided to spend this day in an orphanage and celebrate Kishu’s bday along with kids there. Though there are lots of orphanages around but on speaking I found some of them to be too commercial. Thanks to our friends Manish & Vibha who helped us in reaching Mr. Krishna Reddy and his orphanage “Santosh Charitable Trust”. I’ve done charity events as well as donations many times earlier in my life but my experience with Santosh Trust was so different that it definitely deserves a post in my blog.

It’s a small orphanage on Sarjapur Road with 35 kids ranging in age group of 3-15 years; some kids have lost their parents whereas some of them have been abandoned by their parents either due to financial constraints or due to marital issues. The founder Mr. Isaac Raj along with four other trustees is running this place but what makes it different from all other places is the grooming and personalities of kids there. We (me, my husband and another very close couple friends who also showed interest in joining us) went to this place on a Saturday afternoon along with Mr. Reddy & Vibha. Since for all four of us this was the first visit to this place we were not sure what all to take for the kids, after discussing with Mr. Reddy I had taken some gifts, along with cake, sweets and had already spoken to the trust for hosting a special lunch from my side for the kids that day; the other couple friends who were also as enthusiastic as us had bought loads of fruits and biscuits for those kids. I don’t know what all four of us had it in our minds but the first introduction with those kids itself just left us amazed. I mean all of them were so well behaved and spoke with absolute confidence. They were talking in fluent English and had such a smart way of expressing their thoughts. After their introduction we cut the cake on behalf of Kishu and they all sang in unison a birthday song for Kishu. I was crying and at the same time I had this very different feeling in my heart. A small and the only girl in the group came up to me and asked – “didi aap ro kyun rahi hai, apne bhai ke liye? Aapka toh sirf bhai gaya hai, mummy aur itne saare dost toh hai na, humko dekho humara toh koi nahi hai”…Speechless I stared at her blank face and deep eyes, couldn’t say a word beyond stroking her cheeks. Really, life has its own unique ways of communicating with us.

Post having lunch with them, we spent some more time with those kids as well as the founders. They explained us how this charity was formed and how it is running currently, its current state of finances and nearby future needs. For the first time we had encountered some charitable organization who had such a transparent and systematic approach towards managing the whole thing. And the result was obvious in terms of the personality of those kids – REMARKABLE will be one adjective which I think can do some justice to the impact which these kids created on us. While bidding them good bye all of us had this urge on our own to come back here again and do something for those kids. I’m not sure if souls exist but if they do, I’m sure Kishu would have been happy to see his special day being celebrated with those special kids. Thanks to Mr. Reddy and Mr. Isaac for making this day memorable and special thanks to all three friends who joined us so enthusiastically on their own and made it even more special for us.

While going I had this heavy heart in remembrance of Kishu but while coming out I had this peaceful heart in remembrance of Kishu.

Note: Those who would like to know more about this charity can visit http://www.santoshcharity.org/ and in case you would like to contribute something there, you can either contact Mr. Isaac through the website or can drop me an email and I would put you to the concerned person over phone.

Magic of Rain

June 28, 2009
Magic of Rain

Thoughts drifting with drifting clouds
As I sit here & watch the crowd;
Lightning flashes the life so far
Moments of glee & the deep scars.

A drop from eye, a drop from sky
Tears & rain don’t seem to be ally;
I hope the rain wins this affray
And it washes all my tears away.

Rain has always this magic on me
It touches that me hidden within me;
Rain reminds me those golden years
And also helps me hide my tears.
– Kanupriya

Wrote this while lazing in my balcony this weekend- sunset with rain with solitude. Though never wanted to write a sad one but somehow this is what came out. I think it was because even one moment of solitude or time with myself quickly reminds me of how life has changed over years and this rain reminded me of my childhood days when me & my brothers used to just go out in our aangan & get wet like crazy…For all other craziness, I always behaved like an elder sister and stopped them from doing any such things but for being drenched in rain I was always the first one amongst them to run out in our aangan & enjoy the rains…Some changes like absence of Kishu from our lives is really one of the most unacceptable & unbelievable changes till date…

Lost Laugh!

May 29, 2009
29th May – An unforgettable day, a historic day, a day which just left us numb & shaken & blank. It’s exactly one year today since I would have had a:

A laugh,
A hearty laugh,
A carefree laugh,
A true laugh,
A loud laugh,
A wholehearted laugh,
A laugh like this;

A guilt free laugh! Yeah, today even if I laugh there is an immediate guilt, an inner guilt, a guilt of realization that I’m actually laughing without Amitesh Bhaiya & Kishu! It’s exactly one year today when Amitesh Bhaiya left us all shattered & traumatized. But as if that was not enough, God decided to take Kishu also away just after eight months, leaving me, Ma & Kaushik mourning and devastated forever. Can life change like this so much in just 1 year? Yes, it does…kya se kya ho gaya!
Bhaiji (As we used to call Amitesh Bhaiya lovingly): Saying that we miss you will be an understatement, in fact we never have forgotten you even for a moment to miss you. Remembering you today badly on this dreadful day & pray for the peace for your soul…

Note: In the pic from left to right – Amitesh Bhaiya (though not blood relative but far closer to me than my own brothers), Kaushik (my youngest brother) & Kishu (my younger brother who left us this February). This pic was taken last year when we all had met during a festival for the last time “together” at my native place.