A streak of hope

It was a very hectic day today, rather a marathon day in office, whole lot of work to make me feel like a log when I returned home just now. But still a small mail, just a two liner mail was big enough to motivate me for writing this post immediately. This mail was from the editor of Kaavyanjali website that he has selected the poem of Kiran Sindhu :-). Wow, so all my efforts of pushing mom has started giving some results. After whatever happened with all of us, things have been really difficult of late. Yes, we all are struggling to live a normal life but then too even if we get one free moment we just can’t stop ourselves from going back to same thoughts, same depression…it’s a very different emotion which really can’t be put in words, a feeling of pain which is beyond any rationale, a sense of loss which is beyond any consolation, a suffering beyond expression.

But amidst all this one bigger pain which was hurting me more was to see the state of my mom, who was alive yet living the life of a stone…whose eyes were open yet completely blank…who was surviving somehow yet completely hopeless about life. How it feels to see a woman like her who has always been the single most strength of my life crumpled on bed like that! How it feels to see the guiding force of my life suddenly being directionless herself! Being the eldest child of my mom, I have been taking care of mom & my brothers from a very early age in life. Despite my life being full of struggle, I still never lost hope only because of mom’s one sentence which she always used to tell me every night, I remember instead of good night, she used to say – “kal subah bahut achchi hogi beta, kal dekhna sab theek ho jayega”. Yes life was challenging but then there was this inner belief of mom that everything will be fine & tomorrow will be a better day which helped me sail through so many ups and downs of life. And after facing so many challenges why it was difficult for me to get my mom back to her normal life? I knew she will never be normal again after Kishu & Amitesh Bhaiya but then too I wanted her to have some engagement which can divert her mind & help her get out of this depression…I tried & tried & tried to motivate her, to engage her & to involve her into her long lost passion of writing & I have been literally forcing her to learn computer, internet & typing online. Initially there was a huge resistance from her side with only one question , “kya hoga likh ke”? Still with the virtue of patience which I have got from my mom only, I used to tell her, “arey likho na, log padhenge, kahi pe publish hogi tumhari kavitayein aur tumko achcha lagega”. And her replies used to be, “rehne do, ab bas kisi tarah baki zindagi kat jaye, mujhe aur kuch nahi sikhna hai”. Hmmm… 🙁

Today as soon as I came back from work I checked her mail & I called her to say that one of her poems got selected in an online forum, her initial reaction was just, “OK”. But then she called back after 2 minutes and I asked “main kaise dekhoon ki kaha pe ayi hai meri kavita, mujhe bhi internet sikhao”. I said ok & then I taught her how to open websites & showed her some hindi blogs too…After some moments of silence she said, “achcha mera bhi blog bana do aur mujhe bhi typing sikha do”….YES!!! This is what I was waiting for, so at least there is some amount of interest which she showed. Aha finally there is a streak of hope, MOM, I am not going to give up on you so soon…I am going to push you more now to learn internet & start writing again…I am sure you will get at least some purpose back in life 🙂
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P.S.: I’m sharing the links of some of my mom’s creations with readers of my blogs, if hindi literature or poetries are of your interest, do visit the following links of my mom & I’m sure your genuine feedback will help her write more:
Link to Kaavyanjali poem (yeah I know this is just another online website, but I’m happy that at least there is a start now): http://www.kaavyanjali.com/Naarii-ks.htm
Her blog which I started today: http://godhulikiran.blogspot.com/

A chain of thoughts

A chain of thoughts which keeps haunting my mind, same sequence, same intensity, that trail of thought which just can’t get out of my mind:

That one call on 5th evening…my generally optimistic nature first thinking it’s some hoax call…me continuing with my work never expecting that second call…second call from police…that absolute shock…another call from my mother…frozen mind & body…telling some false story to my mom & asking her to rush to Delhi…we running to airport…& then calls & calls & calls…last flight to Delhi missed & we back to home…that inexplicable state…my yowls, my tears, my wailing, my banging of head…but still a faint hope that the news is not true…another reassurance call from my brother in law who reached the spot & confirmed the news…that horror on the realization of the truth…that nightmare of waiting for the next early morning flight…that flight to Delhi which never seemed to end…reaching Delhi finally…meeting my mother…her hope with which she was praying whole night for Kishu to be out of ICU, totally unaware that Kishu actually never reached ICU…he died on the spot itself…that moment when I had to slowly tell her that he is no more…ohhhh why I only had do this…her sudden roar…her eyes…her reactions…& then her silence…me meeting Kishu in morgue…his body in that cold room…in that drawer…on that ice…his face…his closed eyes…that touch which was as cold as ice…realization of the word “kishu’s death”…still an expectation that he will get up & say “Dids” the way he always used to say with a big smile on his face…but no smile, no voice, no reaction…just an icy cold silence…he again being pushed & locked back into that drawer…the whole formalities of taking his body back to our home town…at the airport realization of this big change in our life by finding that Kishu’s body is going in a coffin along with luggage while we are sitting in flight…he could not go with us, he was no more a living passenger…he was packed in a box…reaching our home town…meeting the relatives…his body lying on the same verandah where we all had grown up playing & fighting with each other…that white sheet…flowers on him…people touching his feet…he was no more my younger crazy brother…people treating him like god…but his face still looking as if he will open his eyes & says “Dids”…mom totally out of scene from all this till now…nobody having the courage to ask her to see all this…me getting torn apart internally but still doing all rituals on behalf of mom…convincing mom to come & bid him a final goodbye…that final goodbye which I myself never wanted to bid…fainting of mom after seeing Kishu’s body on floor…me shouting from deep within requesting people to not take him away…me howling…me wailing…me holding his body…but still they took him away…away & far away! So far that he could never come back from there again…

And then either an internal voice or a voice from somebody around me will tell, “Kanu stop thinking, you need to get over this”…Yes, I know I need to get over my thoughts but can I? All I have learnt in last 9 weeks is that there are certain thoughts & pain which you can never get over with…NEVER! You just somehow learn to live with it…live or survive not sure, but you learn to bear that pain either for yours or for your closed one’s sake!

It’s yet another Thursday today…one more week has passed…

Kaha Tum Chale Gaye?

And it’s Thursday again…every Thursday we feel the same! One more week passed without Kishu! It’s surprising to even think that we are actually surviving without him. Not even a single day used to pass without me speaking to my brother & mom earlier. If nothing else, then at least a one liner call from him saying he has reached home safely. And now it’s the 7th week today without him. Neither the tears dry nor the pain gets lessened…it’s a wound deep within, so deep that it may take a lifetime for us to heal. God knows where our beloved got lost!
As I always say some pains are difficult to express in words but I wonder how come the lyricist of the song “Chitthi Na Koi Sandesh” got this pain expressed in the song so aptly…I always used to like this song but when I got to listen to it today after a long time on FM, I couldn’t express how I felt…looks like the lyricist has experienced some pain like this to craft such a soulful song! Whole song has got a different meaning to me now esp. the following two paragraphs:

Chithi Na Koi Sandesh
Jaane Woh Kaun Sa Desh
Jahan Tum Chale Gaye
Is Dil Pe Lagaa Ke Thes
Jaane Woh Kaun Sa Desh
Jahan Tum Chale Gaye…

Ek Aah Bharee Hogi
Humne Na Sunee Hogi
Jaate Jaate Tumne
Aawaz To Di Hogi
Har Waqt Yehi Hai Gham
Us Waqt Kahan The Hum
Kahan Tum Chale Gaye

Abh Yaadon Ke Kaante

Is Dil Mein Chubhte Hain
Na Dard Thaherta Hai
Na Aansoon Rukte Hain
Tumhe Dhoondh Raha Hai Pyaar
Hum Kaise Karein Iqraar
Ke Haan Tum Chale Gaye

Really we can’t believe ki tum sach mein chale gaye!

Holding or breaking down?

Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you. If they speak, you break down. ~Bede Jarrett

Read this quote on a website yesterday morning & thought of posting it on my blog but for some reason didn’t do it. When I read it today yet again I couldn’t resist myself from sharing it here. I find this quote to be so relatable & so very true. I am trying to overcome the pain but somehow find it to be too deep to overcome. Rational mind says that I need to hold my tears back but there is this emotional force deep within which always overcomes my rational mind these days. Colleagues & friends around me say that there is no point in being silent and I need to speak it out…& that silence is the refuge which cowards or depressed people take, the courageous ones speak & fight it out! But then they don’t know that speaking has its own disadvantages too. I think if I am silent, I can still manage to hold back my sorrow but if I speak esp. to my closed ones I can’t help myself from breaking down. I understand that I can’t keep on crying in office & I try to keep myself composed as much as possible but despite me trying to avoid this colleague of mine with whom I am close, when I met her last week I couldn’t hold back my tears at all. Yesterday some close friends visited my place & again despite N convincing me & me being mentally prepared to not cry in front of them, I couldn’t stop myself from breaking down…when they sat near me or touched my hand I just couldn’t. I don’t know if it’s my own weakness / cowardice or the proximity which I share with them which made me do so but then there are certain behavior to which no logic or rationale can be applied. It is true – “you can hold your sorrow if nobody speaks to you but if they speak you can’t”.

Cynicism

I was dreading this day since last one week…it’s Holi today and as expected our day started with both me and mom getting up in tears. No, I don’t have the courage to console my mom today when I am myself feeling so dreadful. First thing which this holi reminded me of was all the planning which we did just a day prior to that fateful day when Kishu left us. For last few years, I have not spent holi at my place, I was either at my job location or with my in-laws. This year since I had just made a trip to my in-laws place in Jan, so we decided to gather up in Mumbai for holi at my brother’s place. Some long planning sessions were done between me and my mom about how we all can meet up this time and have holi together. But well, we never knew what was in store for us next day! Forget about knowing, we never even could have imagined it then that something like this was waiting for us…and they say to believe on saying “whatever happens, happens for good”. REALLY???
It’s all festive and colorful around me, people in office are playing Holi and I am HATING it. For the first time, I think I am not liking anything colorful and bright around me, today for the first time I do not repent office being open on a festival, I thought at least I will have some respite from all the festivity around me, for the first time I am really not liking everybody smiling , enjoying & dancing around me. People insisted so much to at least join for the lunch outing today and maybe I could have done that, but here I am sitting on my desk alone typing this post as I really-really didn’t have the heart to go out on lunch… I can’t and I don’t feel like! My rational mind says if I am not celebrating holi, this does not mean everybody will not play holi. They have all the rights to enjoy their life and I should at least smile on their requests if I can’t join that celebration. But don’t know why, I am finding this smile also very difficult to come today. Isn’t it wrong to behave like this? Am I being too cynical? I don’t know…

It pains, really pains!

N insists that I should try to get back to normal life slowly…I have resumed back work but he wants me to divert my mind to those things which I used to enjoy earlier like painting, blogging, cooking etc. Even my closest friend insists me to do so & I know both of them are saying it for my benefit only. It’s for their sake that I started to write this post today…but don’t know what to write. I think I opened a blank page in the morning but all I could feel is blank and numb. Trust me N & T, I don’t know how to get back to life again…I am trying, I really am but it is difficult…difficult & difficult. I know its 31 days today, almost a month since Kishu left us but tell me, is it possible to overcome a life-long association in just 31 days? It pains, really pains deep inside, something which I can’t express in words…I can’t divert my mind to anything but to think as to how am I supposed to live my whole life without my brother without whom I couldn’t have even imagined one day of my life? Why did God decide to take such a young soul away and how am I supposed to react after seeing my stone-eyed mom who had to bear the worst pain of her life without any fault? When I could not get over the death of my friend since last 8 months, how am I supposed to deal with a loss as big as Kishu? It is excruciating & unbearable…& cruel & … words fail!